Surviving a Narcissist
How to recognize a Narcissist?
Although I grew up with a narcissist mother, I never have been in a love relationship with a narcissist. At least not until July/August 2020. And although I should have recognized the signs, I didn’t. Obviously, I should have. When you are an empath, as I am, you believe in the good of people. As an empath, I, therefore, will always be a potential victim of narcissistic personalities. I am watching out!
Someone with a lot of experience in helping overcome the Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome is Kim Saeed. She explains also very good how to recognize a narcissist.
Kim Saeed: How to Spot a Narcissist
My mother is a narcissist who brought me enormous pain until I went on No Contact in January 2013, when I was almost 48 years young, yet, I didn’t want to see the narcissistic behaviour, he (Marchel) had towards me.
During our “relationship” he often promised me things that he couldn’t live up to. Everything he promised was a lie. And still, I wanted to believe him. How the relationship, when you can call it a relationship went, you can read at the timeline from Returning the Favour.
I wanted to believe him. Believe him when he told me I am his soulmate and he wants to be with me the rest of his (and my) life. Yet he ignored me 100% over and over again. And I made excuses for his behaviour. Believing (OK, not completely) that he was physically ill, his phone was not working etc.
Unquestionably, he was lying to me. And surprisingly, I did believe him. Moreover, I wanted to believe him.
The fact was that, although I didn’t want it, I was fallen so hard and deep for him (and that is really strange for me) that my feelings were, are, so deep that I WANTED to believe his lies. Although almost all areas in my body told me to not believe him.
Although I now think Marchel was, is, a narcissist. To clarify, he probably is a covert narcissist. Therefore I didn’t recognize it immediately. It makes me mad that I wasn’t able to recognize it, as I should have.
A covert narcissist is someone who craves admiration and importance as well as lacks empathy toward others but can act in a different way than an overt narcissist. Covert narcissists are only different from overt (more obvious) narcissists in that they tend to be more introverted.Verywell Mind
A covert narcissist is someone who craves admiration and importance as well as lacks empathy toward others but can act in a different way than an overt narcissist.Source: How to Recognize Someone With Covert Narcissism
Although he didn’t blame and shame me (at least not often) there were other important signs. One thing he did more often than not, he ignored me. Not a bit but completely. 100% all the time. Sometimes hours, days. Even weeks. To come back with lame excuses. Wooed me for some time, to start all over again. He was degrading my worth by denying answers etc. Was deflecting, controlling etc.
He blamed me for things I didn’t do. I took the blame every time. Made excuses which he accepted over and over again. For things, he’d done, I but took the blame. He accepted my excuses and we started over again. For a few days, he gave me attention, then started to ignore me 100% and blamed me when I asked questions about the why.
Is it possible to heal from a relationship with a narcissist?
Completely? This depends on how long you have been in this relationship. Narcissists do trauma bonding and the longer the relationship lasts (for example the one with my mother lasted 48 years) the harder it is to overcome the trauma. Also, your character is important. Unlike others, I find it difficult to let things go. My memory is like the one from an elephant and I remember things other people can hardly mention.
And, although I have been in therapy twice, following life coaching a few times, I still have problems with letting go. Yes, I am doing OK normally. And then this, a new relationship with a narcissistic personality happens. and I fall back into a horrible depression. So, for me personally, no, I don’t think you ever will be able to heal from a relationship with a narcissist. And I mainly mean the one with my mother.
I blame myself, and him. Blame me for believing him over and over again. Him for being as evil as he is. He destroyed me… No, wrong words. He ALMOST destroyed me.
But, as always, I will survive! I recovered, although the hurt never will get away.
Are you in a similar situation? Do you need help?
A good place to start is with the free Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program from Kim Saeed.
A good friend of mine said to me when I spoke (again) about the hurt I have difficulties with overcoming:
“However, I do understand the pain, what I do not understand is that you are stressing yourself out. What is the value of that? Except making yourself nuts while he, having a horrible personality (he said “teringlijer“), is sleeping peacefully. But you can’t keep giving them this shit what you’re doing. He laughs at it and continues. For him, it is next…”Thank you Raf!